This morning I had a full on break down. I know…again…but it’s only my second in two months of being out of the U.S. I’m think I’m doing pretty good. Have you ever had those breakdowns where you cry and cry and cry, and you finally get it together enough to stop crying. Then you read something or someone says something which strikes a nerve again and there go the waterfalls…again. Ugh! This went on for hours.
I know why this happened. I’m not oblivious to it, at all. I’ve been carrying something on my back for a while now and haven’t uttered a word about it (which is a true way to lead to disaster). It all started when I began trying to figure out my next move. What are we doing? We know we’re going back to the States in May and we know we’re coming back this summer. We’re going back to the States later in the summer and then what? And that’s where it all started…the “and then what”?
Here’s the issue…I want to travel and I eventually want to really expatriate but there are things in the States that we want, right now, too. There are things in the States that we love and in this round of traveling I wasn’t prepared, mentally, to give that stuff up permanently. This doesn’t sound like an issue yet, I realize so laying it all the way out…I cannot afford to live back in the States right now. Imma let that sit right there for a minute.
How can one not afford to live in the States is a whole other topic but it’s no secret that the middle class is diminishing. As a person who doesn’t want the standard life and is in the building stage of new businesses, I’m pretty much between a rock and a hard place in this particular area.
What that means for me is that my options are not actually options. My choices are limited and my wants are now “musts”. I don’t like that feeling, especially because it’s not what I want at this moment.
You may be saying, “what the heck Aja! You’re all about single moms moving abroad and living their best lives”. In response I would say, you’re freaking right, I am!! That is not inaccurate; in fact it’s completely true. The financial aspect is a huge reason for single moms to move abroad. Let’s not even talk about all the other reasons that make it such an amazing move. So yes, continue on single moms! I don’t actually want to stay in the States. I’d just love to have a base there to have options.
What I’m also saying is I’m human and I started this journey as a trip with a specific start and end time. (Check out this article…it’s proof! LOL). It morphed into living in one city, which I love but, mentally, my mind hasn’t caught all the way up yet. It definitely hasn’t settled on accepting that this…right now, exactly in this moment is “the move”…we are already IN IT. Its still on the original plan, which was going back in few months and deciding then on what is next.
It’s a mental game, you know? Add the fact that I actually CANNOT afford to go back and I’m really in a tizzy. To be clear, I can afford to go back but I cannot afford to stay…right now. If you’re a regular reader of my blog you should know by now that I struggle greatly with limitations and this is definitely one.
So, what to do?
Well, I cried because I kept it so tightly locked up for a few weeks. I’m analytical and an over-thinker so holding stuff in my head and letting it swirl all around endlessly is one of the worst things I can do. I know this too. I should have reached out much sooner, which is a point to come later.
The next thing for me is to pray. For me God is everything. My faith is everything. You don’t have to feel the same; that’s why this is my blog. 🙂 But God has gotten me through so much. I didn’t grow up believing in God or going to church so what I’ve seen and experienced in my later years is real.
Anyways…I tried to pray. Through my tears I prayed. Through my hurt I tried to form sentences but it wasn’t working out. This is a really hard place to be because I knew what I needed at that moment but was unable to do it. At the same time, I’m always comforted to know that by just blubbering out, “God I need you. I’m hurting and I…<<cue hysteric tears again>>”. It’s enough. He’s heard me and he’s got me.
Then I let it out. Sometimes I can stop at the point above and go about my day; other times I can’t. In this situation I couldn’t because I really didn’t get anything out in prayer and when that happens I go to a praying friend. I know that if I am crying hysterically on the phone when my friend answers or calls she will start praying. That’s what I needed so I sent a text, “working today?” She replied with “yes, you ok?” I quickly shot back, “no” with the full on tears emoticon. Her response, “I will call you at ____ time. I’m praying”. Man, I LOVE this friend so deeply in my bones. We couldn’t be more different but at the same time so alike. Everyone needs a friend like her. She is, literally, one of my rocks.
Then things took a crazy beautiful turn. In a group text a friend I was pretty mad at asked what we were up to today. Being honest me, I said, “nothing, I’m in a place”, which led to a side conversation. I told her everything, even though I was angry with her. All the while, she knew I was angry and she listened and supported me anyway. We even discussed why I was angry and how she was feeling around it. We so needed this talk! (This is real friend and I actually met her on my travels so sidenote – friendship is about quality, not quantity and they don’t have to take years to develop.)
I must say, after all of that there are two things I walk away with.
- My problem isn’t solved and that’s ok.
- There’s so much in my world to be grateful for. PERIOD.
This dilemma; wanting part of our lives in the U.S. and fully wanting this life abroad is a real dilemma. I know, though, that it will work out. It will play out in a way that is beautiful and necessary…similar to the same path that got us to Mexico. I also know my world is going to change so much in the next few months and this dilemma won’t be a dilemma. While I’m waiting for that transformation, I am going to embrace the steps I took today over and over again until the tear begins to dry and a resolution is presented.
When moving abroad, have you had similar issues you’ve had to resolve inside? Please let me I’m not the only one because I’d love to know. Sharing is caring.